New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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