Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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