I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
