I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
