how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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