i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't deserve a penis
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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