Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
