How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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