I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Of course I have a pirate flag
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
