I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize