My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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