He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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