I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize