He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Never underestimate the power of titties
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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