Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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