She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
