I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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