He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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