No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
