I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
there is glitter all over my balls
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
