How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
