no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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