I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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