Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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