Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
