I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
