I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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