i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
