Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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