So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
please come you make the beer taste better
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
