Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
