ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
