Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
