You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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