one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
