Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
