a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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