he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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