I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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