im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
