If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I need to stop coming to work sober
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
