My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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