So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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