I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
