I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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