I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
this will be a night to untag.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
