Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
