He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize