oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize