Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
