you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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