in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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