I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
