My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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