and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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